As It Is Ch4

The Wolf

Boston was loud. It was cluttered with people, horses, and carriages. It smelled of earthy dirt and mud, of pungent sweat and musk. You stayed close behind Shay, cautiously peering up at people's faces as they passed by.

Liam was next to him and every once in awhile he would glance over his shoulder at you as if he were making sure you hadn't disappeared or attacked anyone. But you felt that it was the first because Liam had taken a kinder approach to you, as best as he could manage. He still didn't fully trust your state of mind but he wasn't quite as harsh.

You tried to look the harbormaster in the eye as he spoke to Shay. There was an exchange of coin, Liam adding a few extra thoughts as they headed back to the bustling streets. Not a slave, you tried to remember. A free woman, you considered, glancing about the tall buildings and the pigeons that fluttered overhead, the sun that gleamed and the wisps of clouds that dotted the evening sky.

Pale pinks, you considered, against a baby blue sky.

"You been listening, lass?" Shay pressed the tips of his fingers into your arm, drawing your attention back to the pair of them, back down to the grays and browns of the city. "Go on inside the shop and grab some new clothes. I’ve the coin."

You pulled your attention from him to the building he nudged his head at. You treaded between Shay and Liam towards the wooden door and into the slight darkness of the shop. The glass windows barely let any sunlight in to see the merchant at the far end of the long room. You stepped just barely inside and hesitated in your next steps. You were far enough away from Shay but close enough to hear Liam’s complaints.

"You can't bring her with us, Shay." Liam snapped a hand around his shoulder, forcing the man to peer at him. "The Order can not risk her temper."

"What temper? She hasn't done anything wrong since the fort." Shay jerked away from him and joined you inside the doorway. He settled a hand on the curve of your back. "Go on, lass. Let's find you something that fits."

You took a few reluctant steps further inside. You waited for Shay to take the lead but it was obvious that he was waiting on you. You looked back at him for answers, for some show of support that you were doing the right thing.

He chuckled and approached the man in the back of the store, that cheerful grin on his lips. "Morning. My friend here's in need of a set of clothes. You wouldn't by chance sell her any."

The clerk bobbed his head, attention weaving between the two people in view and Liam standing in the doorway. "Let me take some measurements. I'll see what I've got in stock for her. Don’t sell too many dresses, I’m afraid.”

Shay’s laugh rolled sweetly from him. “I think she’d rather prefer something more fitting for a sailor than a lady. Ain't the right, lass?”

He seemed to jolt slightly but he kept his opinions quiet. He moved around the counter and began the tedious task of measuring your arm length, your body rigid as he moved around you. It was only Shay’s encouraging smile that kept you from growling and hissing. You made little to no fuss, only jerking away from him when he made an attempt to measure your chest and waist.

When it was finally over the clerk moved about the store, grabbing up a shirt and trousers, fetching a jacket from one of the shelves in the back. He set a pair of boots with the garments on the counter and gave Shay a confirming nod. “Everything should fit her just fine. She can try them on and I’ll make adjustments if need be.”

Shay swept his eyes over to you. He nodded his encouragement, motioning for you to go over and grab your things. You stood your ground, glaring back at him until he muttered, “Go on now, lass. They’re your things not mine.”

You shuffled forward and gathered the bundle into your arms. You carried them towards the backroom and dropped them onto a cluttered desk. It wasn’t that you weren’t pleased to have new clothes. And it wasn’t that you didn’t want them. You simply didn’t understand how Shay could give something to you without asking for anything in return. Surely he would want payment of some kind.

You tossed off the baggy garments and pulled on each new article of clothing. Everything fit rather finely, hugging gently where needed and feeling almost comforting. You grabbed the old clothes and carried them to the main section of the building, finding that Liam and Shay were once again debating about something. But their words ceased before you could hear the rest.

“We can toss those old rags aside,” Shay said, taking them and handing them over to the clerk. “Now why don’t we head down to have a drink with the rest of the men.”

Liam groaned, obviously displeased. “She should be nowhere near a bunch of rambunctious lads and their drink.”

Shay wasn’t having it. He’d already left the shop with you in tow. “The lass has no need to be afraid.” He flicked a gentle glance at you, the dark pools of his eyes endless. “She has us and that’ll keep her calm. Aye, lass?”

You believed his words even if Liam didn’t. The quartermaster said nothing further but his expression stated his doubt clearly enough.

Inside of the pub was a delectable warmth, a heat that sunk into your skin and bones, releasing the frozen ache in your fingers. You tried to stay close to Shay but the crowds of people made your steps slower than his. Without his presence you froze, your eyes flicking to each face in search of his. You saw many of the sailors from his crew and you thought perhaps you caught a glimpse of Liam. But there was so much noise and too many people...

A soldier approached, the buttons of his uniform glinting in the candlelight, the rank scent of whiskey on him as he leaned forward. "Looking for a bit of company, sweetheart? Pretty thing like yourself... You look like you need a right a tussle with someone who knows how."

Your fear strangled you, collapsed your throat until words were ash and dust in your lungs. He smelled like the fort, smelled like the commander. Worst of all, he looked like the commander. His large and rough hand along your arm jolted you back into a memory, the room where you were nothing but an object existing only to be utilized by another. So easily did you return to being a slave, ready for the next order.

A hand pushed him away, Shay's body coming between you and the soldier. "The lass here's not for your entertainment. I'd go along your way or else you might do something you'll regret."

You took down a refreshing breath, cold and tingling to the lungs, a burst of revival. Shay's presence gave you renewed strength and courage. You bruisingly sank your teeth into your bottom lip. An anger was swelling inside of you. To hurt you was a trivial matter. But to hurt Shay… If needed you would defend him. You couldn't stand the idea that someone might hurt the very same good person who had rescued you.

The soldier grimaced, bitter that he'd been interrupted and too drunk to know what he was doing. "I'm a solider, Irishman. That lady and I were conversing. She can tell me herself--"

Shay gave a sharp tilt of his head as if he were trying to weigh his choices. The brutal punch followed quickly behind, knocking the soldier backwards until he stumbled into a chair and table. The building grew eerily quiet.

Shay spoke calmly despite his anger, "You might want to reconsider this. I've my entire crew in here with me."

He pulled his lips back as his hand rubbed the sore spot along his jaw. "You stupid fuck."

The crew stood up, sensing what was about to happen.

The soldier shoved himself off of the table, ready to make a foolish attack.

You didn't think. You only acted. Shay was yours to protect. You didn't care about yourself. Shay would never know harm so long as you were around. You rushed forward, moving between your captain and the soldier. A growl ripped through your throat and your hands clutched hold of his jacket. You let your anger consume you. You made sure he knew it as you forced him back against the table.

He flinched away, sobering enough to understand.

Shay's hands gently tugged your arms, encouraging you to let go. "Come now, lass."

You bit back the rest of your fury. Your hands fell away, the anger dissipating as you glowered at the soldier. You allowed Shay to lead you through the weary and silent crowd, towards a few of the gathered crew, Liam standing at the head of them.

The moment you stood before the wordlessly men, Shay spun you around and roughly gripped your shoulders. "What were you thinking? He could have killed you!"

"A rabid dog," one of the crew muttered into his mug.

“That rabid dog protected your captain,” reminded Liam.

You clenched your teeth but Shay's expression twisted your irritation into guilt. You bowed your head away, ashamed that you had upset him somehow. You had only tried to help. It was the only thing you were good at, protecting and serving your master. It was your only skill. The only one you remembered anyway.

Shay released a heavy sigh. "I'll handle it myself next time, lass." He pulled you forward, arms grappling around you. “You’ve no idea how to fight or defend yourself…”

He was holding you, the thought scattered across your mind.

Your breath was caught in your lungs with shock at having his arms around you. You thought fear would overwhelm you. You thought that having someone hold you again would make you remember all of those awful nights at the fort but... Shay felt like home. Your eyes burned, tears stinging them as you swallowed the painful lump in your throat. You pressed your face into his jacket, breathing in his delectable scent.

He let go too quickly, his attention turning towards the gawking men. "Well then? Where's our mugs? Don't tell me no one got me one?"

Liam gave a low chuckle. "I'll go and grab some for us."

You ducked your head away, messy hair falling forward as you batted your eyes until you thought the tears were gone. You joined Shay at the table, awkwardly sitting down next to him. You swept your eyes over the weary crew as they took their seats. You focused on the grains of the table instead.

Liam took his spot on the other side, sliding the mugs over. "It'll be good to be home again. To have a proper meal and a quiet night's rest."

"Quiet," chuckled Shay. "We need a night of celebration. Full of ladies and drink."

Liam gave a chiding shake of his head. "Of course that'd be what you'd want, Shay."

“Doesn’t everyone?” Shay lifted his mug, taking down a few large gulps.

Liam crossed his arms onto the table, leaning forward ever so slightly. “You better have your night of fun whilst we’re here then. The moment we reach the homestead you’ve work to do.”

He groaned and shoved the mug away, tossing his weight back. “When aren't we working?”

Liam raised his hands and tossed his attention about the pub, looking around at the shouting men and the rising songs. “What do you think we’re doing right now, Shay?” He pressed his elbows into the firm surface of the table and pointed a finger at him. “You can’t always have fun and enjoy the finer things. Sometimes you have to work as well.”

Shay snatched up his mug again, ready to take another sip before he glanced over at you. You’d been watching them silently, analyzing their behaviors towards each other. They seemed like such good friends and yet they seemed to argue a great deal as well.

Shay pushed one of the silver tin flagons to you. “Go on now, lass. I’m sure you’re no doubt thirsty.”

You looked down into the dark liquid, seeing the faint reflection of your face in it. You leaned back in your seat to avoid your own features then glanced up to them. You took the cold metal in hand and sipped upon the harsh drink, feeling it sizzle slightly across your tongue and throat. It wasn’t the worst thing you’d ever drunk. You were certain you’d had worse.

Shay grinned proudly before returning his attention to Liam and then the crew. They were caught up in telling stories and shouting over the chaos of the crowd. He finally settled on Liam, his words cheerful, “I think I fancy myself a night with one of the ladies before we leave then. Can you make sure the lass gets back to the ship?”

Liam’s hard pressed stare didn’t soften in the slightest but he gave a nod. “I’ll get her back to the ship. But you best return in the early morning. We set sail the moment the sun rises.”

Shay knocked back the last of his drink and stood. He pressed a hand onto your shoulder when you tried to stand as well. “Go with Liam, lass. He’ll take you back when you’re ready.”

Your brows pinched, eyes narrowing. He was leaving you alone and as much as you wanted to argue with him… you didn’t. You watched him disappear into the crowded tavern and it took you a moment to process that he was gone. He wasn't planning on returning from what you could tell.

“Lass.” Liam’s voice tried to sound soft and gentle but it still held its hard edge. “Shay can handle himself. Finish your drink and we’ll head back.”

You turned your attention back to him and the tin mug. You never lifted your eyes to look at anyone else at the table. Rarely did you sip on the drink, taking only a few swallows just to keep yourself busy. You hadn’t barely moved until Liam got to his feet, drawing your attention as well as the crew’s.

“Night gentlemen.” Liam stepped away from the table. “We set sail the morning so make sure your arses are back on the ship before then.”

A few of the men jeered, shouting their complaints and empty promises.

You stood up and followed at his heels. Even when you left the heat of the tavern for the chill of the wintry night, you stayed close behind him. You didn’t stop until Liam did, watching him turn and face you. He silently examined you for a moment, his eyes never wavering even when others walked by. Your eyes darted about the street, never quite looking at Liam for too long.

“You stood up for Shay back there.” He shifted his weight between his feet, still analyzing you for clues. “Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?”

You lowered your head, finding that the grit of sand on the dirt path was more interesting than Liam’s stare.

“Dog,” he stated. “That’s what your master called you? Why? Because you were a pet? Or was it because you were his bodyguard?” He stepped closer, just barely, because he understood your need for distance. “Those others slaves told me how vicious he made you. You’ve killed people for him.”

You rolled your eyes up to Liam. You expected anger or perhaps even disgust but you saw instead worry and concern. You didn’t know how to reply to his questions. There were so many at once and you barely remembered them. You didn't desire thinking of the answers, either.

He opened his mouth to speak but decided against it. Liam began to walk the path once more, following it back through the city. It was the same city but the night had brought a peaceful calm with it. There were fewer people and less noise and you lost yourself in your thoughts enjoying such peacefulness. You felt your guard lower, your fear soften as you strolled behind the quartermaster.

You reached the docks, your boots clamoring onto the creaking wooden beams, the sails of the ship slapping in the light wind. You could hear the sailors working in the night, their words soft as they spoke.

“Lass.” Liam nearly reached out to take your hand but he decided against it. “Head into the cabin and get some sleep. I’ll be below deck should you need me.” He waited patiently for you to step onto the gangway and further onto the ship.

You shuffled towards the captain's cabin, Liam’s boot falling hard onto the deck behind you. You glanced back at him and he gave an encouraging nod. You opened the cabin door then looked back to see Liam disappear into the decks underbelly. You slipped inside the cabin and shut the door, your spine pressed into cold wood and glass.

The small room felt empty and dark, colder than you remembered. Without Shay there to bring you some form of confidence, you felt an overwhelming uneasiness sink into your stomach.

You jerked the door open and stomped towards the direction Liam had gone. You didn’t want to sleep. You didn’t want to be alone. You didn’t want Shay to leave, either. Especially that. You wanted to follow Shay, to make sure he was safe and to stand in the protection of his shadow.

To protect and be protected, you thought with determination.

Your feet halted beneath you when the darkness of the ship’s belly surrounded you. Your eyes fell onto the scowls of a few crew members. You tried to hold their gaze, torn between being the slave and the free woman. You found yourself scowling in return, your anger being the easiest emotion to hold on to. It had always been the easiest one: anger, rage, fighting. They were all easy.

“Something the matter,” growled one of the men as he got to his feet. “Little pup lost its way? Maybe we should show it to the docks and tell it to never come back.”

“Captain’s lost his mind,” muttered another.

Before you could do anything, whether it was flight or fight, Liam stepped into view. He shouted relentlessly, “She is part of your crew now. You’ve a mind to leave this ship then so be it. But bear in mind who it was that saved your life from the British army. It was Shay that released you, saved you from a life of imprisonment. You owe him your allegiance.”

“I owe Shay,” spat one of them as he got to his feet. “I don’t owe her a thing.”

“Shay trusts her and so do I.” Liam moved to your side, arm guiding you around towards the way you’d come. He walked with you towards the steps. “What are you doing, lass? Surely you don’t need help so soon already. I only just left.”

You couldn’t tell him the truth. You couldn’t tell him that you were afraid or that the idea of being alone unsettled you. The words fumbled plainly, “Where is Shay?”

Liam jolted a bit, surprised perhaps that you’d spoken. “He can handle himself, lass, I told you as much. You can’t follow him around like a lost pup. You need to stand on your own once in awhile.”

You walked with him back onto the deck and towards the captain’s cabin. Your steps slowed, not quite ready to return to the confinement of the room. You lowered your eyes when Liam turned around to see what the problem was.

“You can not stand in his shadow. You’re not his pet nor anyone’s.” Liam’s steps were calm and practiced, silent almost. “You’re not a dog. You’re a wolf. Remember that.”

A wolf, you thought, trying to see yourself as anything but a mongrel.

“Look at me,” he ordered, spoke it as if you were one of his sailors. “Wolves don't cower.”

You flicked your eyes up at him but some of your hair hid away your face, making it easier to keep your eyes on his. You never quite looked at his eyes though. His mouth, you focused on that.

“Lift that chin, girl. You’re no one's pet.” He reached out this time, not an ounce of hesitation, as his finger curled beneath your chin and shoved it upwards. “You want to help Shay? He needs a sailor not a slave.”

You tried to keep your chin high even when Liam’s hand fell away. You clenched your jaws and straightened your spine. A wolf, you thought, imagining the great beast as it stood down its enemy. You thought of its sharp canines, the jaggedness of its teeth.

Liam gave a nod of approval before swaggering past towards the stairway. You watched him disappear again, watched another leave you to stand alone. You looked about the ship, finding that the deck was empty and above you the sails and ropes clattered and whipped together. The wind, as refreshing and cool as it was, felt bitter against your prickling skin.

You looked towards the city with hopes that Shay would return soon but… He had told you to go with Liam. He told you to return to the ship. So you would wait for him. Not as a dog or a pet but as a wolf waiting for its pack.